Festive Survival Guide

I was watching the new Richard Curtis Christmas film with the kids at the weekend, which opens with the quote “I always think that Christmas is a bit like an emotional magnifying glass. If you feel loved and happy, Christmas will make you feel even happier and more loved. But if you feel alone and unloved, the magnifier gets to work and makes all those bad things bigger and worse.”

It can be the most wonderful time of the year - but it can also be the most stressful, overwhelming, griefy, argumentative and yes emotional.

So whilst you are navigating the tangled fairy lights, family dynamics, staff parties, overstimulated children and high street shops I thought I would put together a little festive survival guide to help with those moments of magnified emotions.

Surviving festive family dynamics

Christmas for many means meeting up with and staying with family and upon taking that step back into your childhood home or into your family of origin you suddenly step back in time reverting to your 13 year old self, a trip to see the family is a psychological minefield where festive fallouts are often inevitable. The same roles continue to play out no matter what age we get to, siblings will squabble or feel old resentments rise, mother and father wounds will reopen, conflicts, people pleasing, repression, taking on more of the family burden than you should can all resurface and always with a little hope and expectations that this year things will be different.

I have lost count of the sessions I have sat in when a client has said "I just wish they would change" or “i feel like I cant be myself around them” and if I'm being honest I found Christmas hard within my own family growing up and into adulthood not knowing how to navigate emotions and feeling that things may blow up at anytime, but here's the thing, it's very unlikely they will change and so if you choose to spend Christmas with family then to quote the fabulous Mel Robbins "let them' do what they do and be who they are and "let you' do what you need to to feel some ease, there is a great deal of peace and contentment in letting go of the expectations and just accepting everyone for who they are.

Also cast a compassionate wide lens on the people and situation (obviously this doesn't apply to where there has been significant trauma or abuse) but here's the thing maybe they keep treating you like the sulky little sister that's not taken seriously because that's the role you are playing (note to self), also you may all be part of the same family but the relationships are different, everyone holds their own individual experiences and wounds from childhood and your parents and siblings may be playing roles that they aren’t that happy with either. So a bit of self awareness and self worth may create a new more authentic role for you and a compassionate understanding with others may help them feel less spiky and more accepting too.

Also final note here, you don't need your family's approval, you don't need to be taken seriously and you have nothing to prove, sometimes we project how we feel about ourselves and our insecurities onto the closest people in our lives … so tell that 13 year old self and the adult you are now that you are good enough.

Surviving festive burnout / overwhelm

December throws everything at us. you feel over committed and well under resourced. Pressure from work with deadlines before people break up for Christmas, staff parties, present buying, finance juggling, school plays, travel, busy roads, streets, shops and if then there is the virus roulette with festive flu and seasonal stomach bugs, even writing that i need a lie down … oh add to that “making it all magical and perfect”

I know it feels all go right at the moment and you don't have time to do anything for yourself, which is why now more than ever you need to.

Write it down - Start by getting everything down on paper. Make a big calendar of Christmas and then fill in what you need to do when, when you need to work, when you are seeing family, when you have parties or nativities and get it all down there on paper in front of you, ever starting to get all the “to do’s” out from whirling around in your head can help you feel less anxious and stretched.

Now ask yourself “what do i need to do?” - i mean “NEED”, no guilt tripping yourself or making things harder, what needs to get done?

secondly, “what am I doing that I don't want to?” now this is the tricky bit, as this is where often the people pleasing comes in and the not wanting to disappoint others, however, it's important for you to remind yourself that people pleasing and doing things that you begrudge will build resentment, irritation and cause more rupture and make Christmas less enjoyable for you and those around you … so take some of these things off your list and sit with the discomfort that someone may be upset about it, but I can assure you that they will spend less time overthinking it than you do.

So the final question to ask yourself is “what do i want to do?” and be honest, if you want to run away and hide on a desert island then at least acknowledge that feeling, if you don’t want to cook another bloody dry turkey with a can of beer up its bum, then don’t, remind yourself it is your Christmas too and you deserve moments of joy.

Finally and this is important, time block your sanity, some time just for you to do what you want to do, whether that’s a walk, watching your happy Christmas film, having a lie in with ear plugs, leaving the chaos of the house and going to sit in a coffee shop and gaze out of the window alone …. work out what you want to do and do it, put it in the diary with no guilt and it is a non negotiable to make sure you look after you this Christmas.

here are some more reminders for over the next few weeks …

its okay to say no (full stop)

It’s okay to do less

It’s okay to slow down

It’s okay to ask for help and delegate

It’s okay to work within your capacity

It’s okay to do things differently this year

It’s okay to step away when you need to

Navigating grief at Christmas

Christmas can be Griefy.

As I said above this time magnifies emotions and memories and the parts of your brain which are triggered by smells, sights, sounds are on constant alert for all the things that make us feel nostalgic and homesick which as a result has us feeling huge waves a grief every time we are reminded of someone we have lost.

When everything seems merry and bright around us it can make us feel under pressure to put a brave face on so we don't upset anyone else's Christmas, this is absolutely not the case and take it from me my first Christmas without mum and a new baby I felt huge pressure to be grateful and make things special for my babys very first Christmas and my little boys first Christmas without his nana, but the energy and effort that took made me miserable, exhausted and resentful.

If you are grieving, no matter how long ago the person died, I'm so very sorry you have lost someone you loved that was a part of your life, it feels unfair and lonely especially when people around you find it hard to navigate and talk about.

There is no timeline for grief and the reality is we will feel their loss forever, part of us will move on, whilst the other part stays and waits for them to come back.

I know it's cliche but the only thing we can do is make space for it and the person we have lost in whatever way feels right to us.

Remember them with sadness and joy, if you need to find a time just for you to honour their memory alone do that, or if you want to dance in the kitchen to dancing queen with the kids do that (yes that’s me between the tears!)

If you need to stick on a film that reminds you of them and get out all of the photos and sob until you have run out of tears do that, or have a chat to them whilst sitting in the Christmas traffic jam do that, but whatever you do, give yourself a way to continue to connect.

But here’s another note, It is also ok to distract yourself from your grief and finally don't feel guilty for having a good time and for the moments of joy that you do share over Christmas, it's the way we heal.

Christmas comparison and festive finances

I know you know this, but it's never about how big it is or how many gifts there are (so okay it may be for about 30 mins with my 7 year old!)

It's really easy to just keep popping to the shop to get one more thing or feel you need to match the budget of someone else, to try and make up for the years parental guilt in buying the kids presents or adding more things to the grocery shop because it's Christmas. Now I don't want to go all grouchy Grinch on you guys, but mindful spending in December can be really tough, however before you know it it's the cause of so much of your festive stress and anxiety and that sudden anti climax you get after Christmas is your bank balance shouting f*********"ck at you.

This bits going to be boring and you are not going to like it .... but the answer is Budget!

Plan out what you can afford realistically, who you really need to buy for, then want to buy for, not who you feel obliged to buy for.

Put a maximum spend on gifts with family and discuss it with them beforehand, ask friends if you could forget gifts this year and catch up for a walk or coffee instead in the new year and the big one for parents, the teachers gift, I'm sure the teachers at my kids school would tell you that they don’t actually need a gift to say thank you for being incredible and having the tolerance level of a saint  all year, maybe get you child to write them a card, do a picture instead (which of course they will stick to their fridge with pride)

Another thing, spending more money than you have and gifts are not an emotional band aid, I know when you have had a crappy year you want to make Christmas magical and the dopamine kicks in with all the spending, but after the initial high you feel lower, so every time you feel like you want to buy something, ask yourself “do i need this?” “do they need this”?

Navigating neurodiversity & SPD this Holiday

The music, colours, lights, travelling, presents, partying, and people. It's a lot for anyone's nervous system, but if you are neurodiverse then it can all feel a bit of an assault on the senses, especially if your safe places and routines change.

Set up some coping protocols for yourself, for example,

Christmas shopping - can you do it on line if it feels too busy on the high street and the shops, contact local retailers and explain the situation and they can assist you on the phone or via messaging.

If you go Christmas shopping then give yourself sensory breaks, find safe and quiet places to calm and soothe. Wear noise reducing ear buds, make sure you are wearing clothes that don’t activate your senses and you feel comfortable, Take it slow and know how you are getting there and back.

Present opening - This can feel uncomfortable for many reasons, so have a present opening protocol with family or friends and ask if you can open it in your own time and then you can thank them afterwards.

Socialising - Familiarise yourself with the place you are going to, if you are eating then check out the menu to make sure there are safe foods for you. Again take the noise reducing ear plugs, take regular breaks to the bathroom or outside. Give yourself time before and after the event to self soothe and down-regulate.

On a final note here, I haven’t gone into parenting at Christmas, because lets face it, it can be wonderful, with little glimpses or joy and connection, but also a total shit show, so here I say let go of expectations! Its not going to be a perfect image of a cheesy hallmark card, its going to be chaos, there will be lots of chocolate and melt downs, mess and shouting, there will be way less sleep and way more energy, there will also be guilt and you will prob think f**k this more than once, but give yourself a big dose of compassion and try to let go of how you think “it should be” and more importantly how you should be - you are human, Christmas with kids and you will be a beautiful mess.

(a little side note now to new mummys at Christmas, especailly a very special one, do as little as possible, stay at home as much as possible, assign someone as gate keeper role to keep you in your bubble as long as possible and to politely accept all gifts of cooked meals at the front door and act like a barrier between you and the hoards of people that will want to see a new baby at Christmas. Just snuggle up on the sofa, sniff your newborn and let everyone look after you.)

So i’m going to sign off there,

Just remember to lean into the moments, good and bad: if you do decide to do the turkey, it will probably be dry (but thats what gravy is for), arguments will happen, people will piss you off, you will piss people off, talking about politics is never a good idea, the shops will be busy and you will be bumped into, the nativity will be a viral party, you will want to have long lie down in a dark room … however remember to notice the little moments, the small kindnesses, the shared knowing smiles, the tight hugs, that little bit of magic in your kids eyes, the sound of your own laugh, getting a malteser in the celebrations tin, saying happy Christmas to a stranger that’s become a friend and knowing that whatever is going on for all of us we are not alone in this community of ours and we all deserve a good enough Christmas.

Happy Christmas my loves :) xxx

(Image from That Christmas streaming on Netflix now)